


The Love of the Leaf - loving something comes with a price

by Cmay



Series: Kakashi and Kaida [6]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Arguments, Comfort, F/M, Fourth Shinobi War, Guilt, Hurt, Love, Pain, Pain destroys the Leaf, Support, War, bestfriends, expolsions, naruto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23641084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cmay/pseuds/Cmay
Summary: Kakashi and Kaida get into their first argument. Beyond hurtful things are said. Can they be taken back? Before they can talk again, the Leaf comes under attack from the Akatsuki and Pain doesn't care about a lover's quarrel. Is it too late to reconcile? Rated for some adult language.
Relationships: kakashi hatake and original character
Series: Kakashi and Kaida [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653595
Comments: 9
Kudos: 6





	The Love of the Leaf - loving something comes with a price

**Author's Note:**

> In this series, there is a non-shinobi class of people called Mirror Sages. I have described them and their capabilities in each of my previous installments, but it didn't seem fitting to do so here. So for those of you who are starting with this story, I will explain what a Mirror Sage is before you begin.
> 
> Mirror Sages and Kaida: 
> 
> Mirror Sages are non-shinobi beings that carry powers for good and evil in their hands. Quite literally. In the past, seeking refuge from many of the larger villages after theirs had been destroyed by war, they had been treated cruelly and used to the point of death. Forced to advance the war efforts of the villages they desperately sought shelter from. It resulted in losing most of their small clan. Most of the survivors had then decided to use their powers only for evil to take things that didn’t belong to them in order to gain advantages in their own lives moving forward. They took precious life, power, and skills from people to advance in the world when they had always been known, before the war, to be kind, give life, healing, and strength to those in need. They had rarely used their hands to take unless it was extracting poison from the wounded, a parasite body, or in true self-defense. Now they were feared not revered for what they now took on a regular basis. They were now hunted and punished for what they were. Regardless if it was warranted or not because of how most lived. Depraved and corrupt.
> 
> Kaida was not corrupt, evil, or unkind. She was a broken Mirror Sage. Her hands did not heal the way they should. They only harmed. When she was four, her mother was injured, and as the small child tried to heal the woman, she only made things worse. Kaida's hands only drained. Only took. She ultimately caused her mother's death. Her father protected her and had her train with a sensei who taught her how to re-direct her blocked flow of chakra to her mouth. Kisses heal, hands hurt. That was the mantra given to her by her father and one that spurred her on to learn how to master healing with just her lips. 
> 
> Once her secret was revealed, she ended up on the run with her dad for years, until he became ill. They were staying with an elderly couple then, but once they found out what she was, they shunned her and kicked her out of their home. She was forced to survive alone then. She would come back to try and visit her father, just to be turned away. Then they told her he had passed on and wouldn't even let her visit his grave. She lived alone, afraid, and on the run ever since. That is until she met Kakashi. (This is where part one of my series, A Healer's Kiss, starts.)
> 
> I hope this gives enough info to what Kaida is should you choose to skip the other stories in this series. Though to understand Kakashi and Kaida's relationship, I would suggest reading one or two other stories in this series. Thank you for reading, hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think. ~Cmay

October 1st 

Kakashi had been gone from Konoha and Kaida for two weeks and two days, three hundred and eighty-four hours and two minutes, twenty-three thousand and forty-four minutes, though who was really counting? Oh right, he was. His comrades walked wearily behind him at a good twenty or so paces back and Kakashi waved at them in a quick goodbye once their feet had hit the main road to the Leaf and the gates were finally in sight. One of the shinobi out on the mission with him yelled as Kakashi began walking faster, “Hey, Kakashi! We still have to check-in! Where are you going?” Kakashi glanced back as though he had not a care in the world, “I have something I need to take care of. Just need to get home. Tell Lady Tsunade I’ll be there in an hour.” The second chimed in, “We all want to go…” The sentence died in the ninja’s mouth as Kakashi disappeared from view leaving the two shinobi exasperated, “How does he do that?! The nerve! If you weren’t so damn skillful Kakashi, I would’ve asked for another mission captain! I know you can hear me!” The taller ninja shrugged, “Maybe he does have something he has to take care of…” Kakashi chuckled as their voices faded from his ears. _I do and her name is Kaida._

Kakashi made it home in record time to enter the apartment silently and padded to the bedroom where he thought Kaida would be. Should be. It was well after midnight now after all. His stomach tightened when he found their bed cold, rumpled, and very empty. The apartment was completely void of her presence and had been that way for a while by the looks of it. It was untidy, there were a few dishes in the sink, the trash bin was full, and the place smelled stale and a bit like garbage. An old half-eaten container of dried out taki udon and a murky cup of forgotten green tea sat on the coffee table. He knew this scene well. It was one of someone being too tired, too busy or, a bit depressed to have the gumption to clean. He often got like this after a grueling mission. He understood completely but still wondered where she was at this hour.

He thought of Kurenai and how Kaida found comfort in the woman. They had both become fast, close friends since she had come to stay in the village a few months ago. He left quickly, not bothering to lock the door behind him, jumped onto a nearby roof, and began bounding across homes and shops of the village to land softly onto the patio of his comrade’s apartment. The white sheer curtains were luckily drawn back and Kakashi could see that Kurenai’s couch was empty as well. _Damn. Kai, where are you?_

Now worried, Kakashi vaulted back over the railing of the balcony and landed onto a roof below without a sound. He then slammed his palm onto the shingles and a puff of white smoke wrapped around his form. As it cleared a sleepy-looking dog sat in front of him wiping a paw at his eyes, “Kakashi…good, your home. What do you need?” Kakashi sighed and leaned his forearm onto his knee, “Pakkun, I’m sorry for the hour, but I can’t find Kaida. I’m not sure where…” Pakkun’s loud whine of a yawn had him pausing in irritation at the small ninja hound, “Kakashi, she’s still at headquarters.” Kakashi frowned, “At this time of night?” Pakkun nodded and swiped a paw at his nose, “Yeah…it’s been pretty crazy there lately with the threat of the Akatsuki so close to home. I just left as a matter of fact.” Kakashi grunted and then gave a swift pat to Pakkun’s head as his worry eased, “Thank you for the Intel, go home. Rest.” Pakkun sniffed in indignation and followed Kakashi as the shinobi swiftly made his way to headquarters, “I wanna hear about your mission.” _Damn it. My teammates were right. I needed to check in first. Stop thinking with your groin, you idiot._

Kakashi’s feet carried him swiftly over rooftops towards the round red building nestled in the heart of the village with Pakkun hot on his heels. Once inside Kakashi noted how busy it still was at this late hour. It was unusual for the normally calm building even during the day. Many shinobi were running to and fro holding scrolls or stacks of papers in their hands as they passed looking frazzled and sleep-deprived. Kakashi walked up to Lady Tsunade’s open office door and peeked inside. His two comrades were there debriefing the Hokage on their mission. When they caught sight of his white hair the taller of the two pointed, “Ah! Here he is.” Tsunade glanced up and beckoned Kakashi inside. He noted the large purple shadows under her eyes as though she had little sleep recently. He supposed trying to run an entire village during tense times could have that effect, “Kakashi…Zaji and Bekko here were just filling me in. Why didn’t you report with them?” Kakashi walked into the room to stand next to his teammates while rubbing a hand against his scalp as he glanced around hoping to find Kaida, “Well, I…uh…was looking for Kai…” 

Tsunade sighed and laced her fingers together over the top of her desk and rested her tired face onto her knuckles, “You do realize a massive threat is looming over our heads and maybe now is not the best time for romance, don’t you?” Kakashi’s cheeks blazed red above his mask and he dipped his head in embarrassment, “You’re right Lady Tsunade. I apologize for my lack of tact.” Tsunade waved a hand in the air to dismiss his comment as Bekko grumbled under his breath at Zaji “He left just to go find some fushidara to be alone with?” Kakashi burned angrily at his words and Pakkun, who had seated himself in front of Kakashi's feet, turned and began to growl softly. Kakashi knew Bekko hadn’t seen him move, being distracted by the suddenly agitated dog at his front. Kakashi smiled inwardly when the small squat man tensed as he spoke directly from over his shoulder. His voice was quiet though his threat was loud and clear, “That _woman’s_ name is Kaida Hikari and she just so happens to be Lady Tsunade’s assistant and my girlfriend. Show some respect.” Bekko cleared his throat nervously as he reacted to the heat of the angry Jonin so close to him and the sharp glint of teeth from Pakkun’s mouth, “Of...of course. My apologies, Kakashi.”

Zaji poked Bekko in the arm, “Ha! You idiot! Hey! Weren’t you saying on the way here that you couldn’t wait to get home to the missus for a little alone time?” Bekko swatted Zaji’s finger from his shoulder and glowered at the taller handsome ninja, “Shut it, Zaji. At least I _have_ a wife…and I don’t even have your looks! What’s _your_ excuse?” Zaji laughed and clutched his ribs, “Ha! You can say that again! I just haven’t found the right girl though I’ve had _many_ to choose from. Maybe yours married you out of pity. Or maybe she’s not as easy on the eyes either? Takes one to know one and all…” Zaji poked him in the arm again and Bekko puffed out his cheeks and swatted at his hand again, “Maybe you just bat for the other team. Maybe you haven’t found a wife because you’re a yaoi bastard and find your comrades more attrac…”

Tsunade slammed her hand onto the desk causing a few papers to flutter off it and onto the floor, “If you’re quite done! Finish your report! I need all the Intel you have so that I can act accordingly. I’d like it if you wouldn’t drag this out any longer with foolish pissing up the wall contests and insults. I am far from finished for the night and my patience is wearing _incredibly_ thin.” 

Lady Tsunade clicked her tongue in reprimand at the trio as they each stood at attention before her and finished filling her in on their mission. It only took the three of them a few minutes to finalize their recon details and she hummed in thought once they finished as she rifled through a large stack of papers pulling a few out to hand to Bekko and Zaji, “Seems like your mission was more successful than Anko’s currently is. I will send this information to their group so they can re-route and hopefully find Madara’s hideout. Bekko, Zaji, this is your next course of action. Read over it and begin working on the tasks tomorrow. You are dismissed. Kakashi, I’d like a word.” 

Bekko, Zaji, and Pakkun, now nipping at the heels of the former, which had Kakashi inwardly feeling smug, left the room. Kakashi turned his attention back to his leader and shifted on his feet in front of the desk. He was itching to ask her about Kaida’s location. He missed her. He needed to feel her safely in his arms once again. Tsunade leaned back into her chair and sighed as she closed her eyes, “Kakashi, tell me straight. Do you think we can bring the Akatsuki down?” Kakashi ran his fingers through his dirty hair and sighed, “They are a formidable group. We have had many past successes in bringing some of their members down but the cost was always higher than we’d have liked, as you well know.” Kakashi took a moment to remember Asuma and Jiraiya. He breathed deeply to clear his thoughts so he could continue, “I don’t think it is solely the Akatsuki we need to be worrying about. If Madara truly has returned...we may need help in defeating him. You know as well as I do the terror he caused in the past. Though, if we can succeed in that, we will also defeat the Akatsuki by doing so. Two birds as it were.” Tsunade swiped a hand down her face, “I have reached out to all of the other great nations but as of now all are reluctant to become involved, with maybe the exception of Gaara.” 

Kakashi rubbed at his chin in thought, “Makes sense, he and Naruto are friends. As for the other nations, well, after Jiraiya's downfall with him being a Sennin and all…I could see them not wanting to risk losing any more of their own, lesser ranked shinobi, to the Akatsuki. How is Naruto? How…how are you?” Tsunade slumped and lowered her head, “That may be true about Jir...I...haven’t heard from Naruto. He’s still safely tucked away at Mount Myoboku, I hope. As for me, the last few weeks have been…difficult. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your birthday, I just needed…” Kakashi nodded and stepped closer to her desk as the woman began to quiver and set a palm onto the smooth wood of her desk, “I understand. Please, know if you need anything…” Tsunade’s head snapped up and Kakashi could swear he saw the tiniest bit of moisture clinging to her lashes, “I appreciate that but for now I need to focus on more important things…” He watched as she rifled through another large stack of papers as if to give her mind time to build up another layer of protection against the hurt she must be feeling, “Here. I’d like you and Kaida to work on these in the following days. I am not sending you out from the village again as most of the other Jonin are gone too. Our defenses are already weakened enough. We need you here.” 

He took the few sheets from her then stood back at attention once more, “Understood. Um…in speaking of Kaida…” Tsunade wiped at her face and the purple marks under her eyes looked even darker somehow as she attempted to smile in earnest, “Oh, Kakashi. You’re absolutely head over heels, aren’t you? She’s around here somewhere. I’ll let you go find her shortly, just take a bit of advice from me before you leave.” Kakashi gulped and his cheeks burned in anticipation. At the same time, a heavy uncomfortable weight, something akin to guilt, settled into his stomach with the show of his need to get to his other half. Something Lady Tsunade may never have again. She took a deep breath as if to hold back all the painful emotions she had yet to let spill from her eyes and he felt even worse, “I’m sorry for what I said earlier. If you love her, tell her, really let her know. Romance the hell out of her. Don’t ever leave her side without letting her know how you feel. I never let all of my feelings be known to the ones who really mattered and now it’s too late to do anything about it. Don’t make my mistakes. We are shinobi but we are also human. We don’t often get a happily ever after as our lives are ordained by rules, commitment, sacrifice and oftentimes cut short. It only makes the aftermath, the hurt, that much harder to bear. I want happiness for you and Kaida, so treat every moment you have with her like your last and you just might find the happiness so many have had the chance to but never seize.”

Kakashi cleared his throat as it constricted tightly at her words. He had known of the Hokage’s feelings towards her partner, comrade, and friend, if only in speculation. Though now that she had practically confessed, it made his heart ache for his leader and his need to see Kaida swelled painfully, “Lady Tsunade…I understand.” Tsunade turned her in her chair so that the tall back now shielded her but the quiver of her voice made her seem just as visible as if she were still facing him, “You and Kaida…are dismissed. Take the next couple of days off. You both deserve it.” He bowed even knowing she wouldn’t see and padded softly from the room closing the door quietly behind him. A young tired-looking shinobi was making his way towards her office, arms filled with fat red folders, and he reached out to grab his arm, “Not now. Give the Hokage a few minutes before you go in.” The shinobi looked startled at having run into him but nodded at the command and sat on one of the numerous chairs that had been set up to line the wall outside of the office with a large grateful sigh as he wiped at his brow and his eyes drifted shut, holding tightly to the stack of paperwork in his lap. 

Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets, glad the young shinobi wouldn't be bothering their Hokage any time soon. He wasn't sure she could handle the contents of those, seemingly ominous looking, red folders. He glanced down at Pakkun who sat quietly on his haunches next to the door waiting for him and gave a short nod to the heavy-lidded hound, “Pakkun, I apologize, I know you are exhausted but could you please…find her for me?” Pakkun stretched and sniffed at the carpet then was walking down the hall this time with Kakashi following closely behind, "You know boss, I’ve been keepin' an eye on her while you were away. In the last week, she's...been struggling." Kakashi frowned and continued to follow Pakkun as he padded quietly around the legs of other passing shinobi, "You have? What do you mean she's struggling, Pak?" Pakkun paused and glanced over his shoulder, "Well, even though we haven't met formally, I know all about her. You know I know all about you too, Kakashi." Kakashi nodded knowing his contract and friendship with his hounds made it so. They all looked out for one another but that had been made from years of built trust. _Pakkun really does like her_ _and_ _trusts her if he's been tailing her._ The hound sniffed and sat heavily on his haunches, "She ain't sleeping. She barely eats. Her nose is shoved in paperwork most of the time and she looks like she's terrified when she reads over the mission reports." 

Kakashi rubbed a hand along his chin, "So, is it because of work...or because I was gone?" Pakkun licked his nose and sniffed the air, "No idea, but maybe a bit of both. Sorry I don’t have more info, boss." Kakashi followed as Pakkun turned and began to walk further down the hall. It took no time at all for the hound to locate her and when he pointed at a closed-door Kakashi smiled and nodded, “Thanks, Pakkun. Now go home and get some rest, alright? I'll take it from here.” The hound yawned and nodded, “Sure. You two should probably do the same. It might do her some good. Night.” Kakashi waved a hand in dismissal to his friend before he disappeared in a poof of smoke. 

Kakashi reached his fist out to knock softly against the door and turned the knob in his now sweaty palm. His heart jumped into his throat with the thought of finally being able to see her, kiss her, and take away all of her worries. The door clicked open softly and her soft but commanding voice called out sending goosebumps up his arms. It was like music to his ears, even being a bit harsh in her curt instruction, “I'm busy. You'll have to wait there.” The door creaked as he pushed it further open while he slipped into the room and shut the door. As it clicked closed and his eyes found her, the instant glimpse of Kaida’s back had his heart pounding. She was in a knee-length charcoal gray kimono with a black sash embroidered with blue Shobu flowers wrapped around her waist, the one he had given her and that she had worn on the day he left. Though the bow was wrinkled and the fabric looked looser than it should be, she still looked perfect to him. Her hair was falling out of what he knew had once been a neat and intricate long braid down her spine. Her feet were bare and her toenails, painted a dark blue, were chipping on the edges. Her foot curled around her calf and rubbed up and down her leg as if to soothe an ache while her shoes laid kicked from her feet, forgotten, under the table. There was a pencil stuck haphazardly into her ash blonde hair and she reached up with her left hand trying to find it in the long tresses. When her hand pulled away, another lock unfurled to fall over her shoulder as she bent over the copious amount of paper in front of her to jot something down and his fingers itched to touch the silky strand. 

Kakashi smiled at her back and leaned against the closed door just observing her lovingly, yet warily, as she worked. Her tensed back stayed turned all the while and though he still had not seen her face, she was, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing to him. She seemed almost frantic in her task and though Kakashi didn’t want her to lose her focus, he needed to touch her, wanted to ease her anxiety in any way he could, hopefully, with his mouth. He changed his voice slightly and cleared his throat, “Excuse me miss, Lady Tsunade has deemed your duties completed for the night and next two days…save one…” Kaida waved a hand over her shoulder and twirled the pencil, “Fine, okay, I’m almost done. Save one? That’s kind of old fashioned, don’t you…oh, never mind. What else does she need?” Kakashi covered his silent laughter at her irritation and continued to mask his voice, “Well, she wants you to give your man a kiss and tell him you love him.” The pencil clanked to the desk and Kaida was whipping around with pure ire in her eyes, “ _Excuse_ me?” Yellow rings surrounded the icy blue irises but the deep purple shadows under her eyes and the pale gray tinge to her complexion made Kakashi freeze in place as he had tried to make his way forward. He knew that eye color combo was a sure sign his little dragon was pissed but Pakkun was right, she hadn’t slept in days and her skin looked sickly. She still wasn’t taking care of herself and he wanted to scoop her up and take her home right then so he could nurse her back to health. 

As she realized just who stood before her, her demeanor changed ever so quickly, just like her eyes always did and faster than any hand signs he could manage. Anger, shock, more shock, understanding, joy, and then relief flashed across her features. She launched her self at him and he grunted at the force, surprised by her strength since she looked like she could easily be toppled by a stray falling leaf, “Kakashi! When did you…Oh, I’m so glad you’re back! Baka! Why’d you do that?! You should have said hello the second you opened the door! You _ass_! That was a cheap trick!” He chuckled as she yanked his mask from his face and was then slamming her mouth to his before he could reply. He sighed in utter content. His world was once more whole as her lips fought to lay claim to his. The papers in his hand crinkled against her spine as he gripped her firmly and then he felt her leg crawling up his thigh. He yanked her upwards as her long strong legs wrapped around his waist tightly. He reached his free hand up to twist his fingers around the wayward lock of hair framing her face and he sighed into her mouth. _Maybe she really was just missing me and she will be fine once we get home._

Kaida pulled away from his lips with a loud smack and licked her lips, “When did you get back?” Kakashi smiled and rubbed her chin with his thumb, “Not long ago. I went to look for you first but you weren’t at home.” Kaida bit her lip, “I’ve been staying here a lot...it’s…better that way.” Kakashi grasped her bottom lip gently in between his teeth and tugged seizing her abuse of her mouth, “You’ve been sleeping in a _chair._ How is that better? Especially when we have a perfectly comfortable bed at home.” Kaida only shrugged and averted her gaze and Kakashi cocked his head to the side feeling a sudden change in her mood, “Kai?” When he didn’t get a response he decided it was time to leave so she could get some needed rest, “Come on, are you ready to go?” Kaida let loose a large yawn and tried to cover it with a hand, “S’pose so.” She tried to lower her legs from his waist but he gripped the back of her thighs to keep her there, “Mmm, sorry, I’m not quite ready to let go just yet. Kami, I’ve missed you, Kai. I can’t wait to go home. I have half a mind to carry you there.” She again made to lower her legs from his hands and he reluctantly let her step back onto the floor as she whispered, “I’ve missed you too but there is no need for that.”

Kaida pulled away from his embrace and went back to the table and crouched down to retrieve her shoes slipping them on and zipping up the backs as he folded the papers in his hand to fit inside his pocket as he tried to understand the sudden shift in her demeanor. She then gathered all of the items she had been working on and shoved the large stack into a red folder tucking it onto a shelf next to more of the same. Kakashi watched in confusion as she marched past him to the door and swung it open. As he followed her out of the office she pulled a key from the inside of her kimono, held on a gold chain around her neck, to lock the door. Kakashi raised his eyebrows at her and she huffed, “ _What_?” He shook his head, slightly surprised at her annoyed tone, “Nothing, just wondering when you got your own office. Moving up the ranks then? That’s great!” Kaida shrugged, “Last week. Though to be honest, Shizune and I share it. Not sure if I’ll ever have a place of my own here. I’m not moving up the ranks either.” 

Kakashi grasped her hand and rubbed his thumb along the back of her knuckles as they walked towards the exit. He tried to decipher her words as he held her hand firmly. He relished in the feel of it there, “You’ll get there, you will. You just started. How’s it going between the two of you? Last we talked Shizune was running you ragged having you do her chores for her instead of real work.” Kaida shrugged, “Mmm. I guess it’s been a bit better. Lady Tsunade limited me helping Shizune with her personal stuff to one day a week but after the latest Akatsuki threat none of us have the time to worry about other personal tasks, but she still finds other things to hand off to me…like cleaning Lady Tsunade’s office or picking up lunch. I guess at least that’s work-related in a way. Between that and the workload here, I haven’t had much time for myself or anything else. I’m sorry, but your house is a bit messy at the moment. I’ll fix that right away.” 

Kakashi and Kaida had made it outside and he gripped her by the waist to press her up against a wall held in shadows as all the lights on the outside of the building had been dimmed with the late hour, “ _My_ house? I really wish you’d stop saying things like that. It’s your home too, Kai and you don’t have to _fix_ anything. We both get busy and things slip. It’s fine.” Kaida frowned and shook her head to disagree, “It’s not really my home though. I just stay there, making a mess of things that don’t belong to me while you’re away. Taking and not giving back, just like a Mirror Sage does.” Kakashi’s nostrils flared underneath his mask and his hands gripped her waist more firmly, “That’s another thing I wish you’d stop saying. You’re not a Mirror Sage anymore and you’ve never acted like a Mirror Sage, taking and giving nothing back. You give everything.” Kaida huffed and whispered harshly, “Well, what the hell do you _want_ me to say? That I’m perfectly okay just staying there freely and ransacking another person’s home just because I can’t find a few moments to clean up? That I’m okay being second best in a job I have because it was a handout and I’ll never advance due to someone who will never see me as an equal? And I will _always_ be a Mirror Sage, Kakashi. I was born one.” Kakashi loosened his grip and stepped back feeling like he had been slapped by her words. What had just happened? What had he done to upset her? 

The wind rustled the nearby trees and the light of the moon flickered in between the leaves bouncing dim light and dark shadows off of their now grim faces. Kakashi closed his fists and took a few calming breaths. Kaida’s gaze finally broke away and she looked to her feet. He was sure she couldn’t see her dark painted toes in this light so knew she just couldn’t look at him any longer. His heart ached and it felt like another blow. His voice was as soft as he could manage in his hurt, “Kai, why are you so upset? Please...tell me, what brought this on?” Her head whipped up to glare at him, long messy tresses flicked around her face and flecks of moonlight grazed across her eyes revealing bright glowing yellow rings around her irises. _She’s furious at me for some reason. Why?_ Her brows furrowed and she clenched her fists at her sides, “What brought this on? What? Am I not allowed to have feelings?! Am I not allowed to be angry when my boyfriend is being fucking stupid?! Just because I am a _woman_ I suppose when I get mad, it’s uncalled for! Is that right?! Huh, Kakashi?!” 

Kakashi’s emotions quickly flared up to match her’s. Her malice towards him fed his own anger deep inside his gut at the way she was talking about herself, but the hurt also mixed in with it made his stomach feel sour, “What the hell, Kaida? I didn’t say anything _like_ that! And _f_ _ucking stupid?_ Is it fucking stupid that I have offered you everything to make you comfortable, happy, and safe? Is it fucking stupid that I have told you time and time again to make my home yours too? Was it stupid of me to not care that you were a Mirror Sage? Is it fucking stupid to think you are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me? Is it stupid to love you with every fiber of my being?! I don’t think I’m being the stupid one here! As for your job, you haven’t talked to me about it! I can’t help if you don’t! I have no idea how to help because you haven’t _talked_ to me! I don’t understand why you went all…” He heard her almost growl as she cut him off, “Crazy? Yeah! I’m crazy and stupid! Maybe I don’t want to talk to you about everything because you’ll just swoop in as the great Leaf Village Jonin and save the day! I don’t _need_ saving! I don’t need your _help_! I was fine on my own for all those years! Maybe it wasn’t stupid for you to fall for me but the other way around!”

Kakashi felt the stinging in his palms as his nails dug deep into the flesh of his hands even through his gloves while he fought back tears at her bitter and vile words, “What are you even talking about?! Your legs were just wrapped around me, you were kissing me, saying how much you missed me! What the hell did I _do_ in the course of five damn minutes to upset you?! You can’t mean that…you can’t.” They stared at each other through the shadows as she refused to answer and he lowered his voice trying to ease the tension of the unknown cause of her fury as he spoke again hoping her words weren’t true, “Kai, I just don’t get it. Please, help me understand. I thought…I thought we…had a deal...” 

Kaida breathed in deeply and he braced himself for her shouting at him again but only a whisper came, “I can’t just continue to pretend that this is a perfect life you and I have anymore. We were not born to be happy. Not with what we are. What we have to deal with.” Kakashi’s heart ached painfully in his chest as she pushed herself from the wall and turned to walk away and all of his fight left him, “Pretend? Anymore? Kai…talk to me, don’t walk away.” _Please, I need you._ “What’s happened? Has someone said something to you? Have you learned something? Please, _talk_ to me.” She paused and he saw her shoulders slump, “I learned it long ago. There is no true happily ever after. Not for anyone, especially me. No matter what I do or how hard I try. It all gets taken away in the end. Talking won’t change that.” Kakashi reached out to stop her as her she stepped away from him and suddenly Tsunade’s words were ringing loudly in his ears as she jerked her hand away, _‘Don’t ever leave her side without letting her know how you feel.’_ Kakashi followed her out onto the main road and shouted as she quickly retreated, “Kai…Kaida! Damn it! I don’t know why this happened, why you’re so upset, or where you’re going…but know this...deal or not, you’re walking away with my heart! It will always be yours! I will _always_ be yours because I love you! If you believe in anything in this world, believe that!” 

A window from a nearby home was lifted forcefully and a tired, gruff, annoyed shout followed, “Hey! You there! Do you have any idea what time it is?! Pipe the hell down!” Kakashi turned his head briefly and waved to placate the irate villager and when his gaze went back to Kaida, she was gone. His shoulders slouched and he felt as though he was going to throw up. He stared down the empty road longingly, lost, and hoped for her to return. The minutes ticked by as the hole in his chest grew painfully larger with each passing moment she didn’t come back. 

~~~

Kaida woke with a start and pulled herself up from the cushion of the soft gray couch she had fallen asleep on. The sound of eggs being scrambled in a glass bowl had woken her. She gasped and began to apologize to the ever so pregnant Kurenai as said woman stood over the stove, “Kurenai…I’m sorry for coming over unannounced.” _You only take. You really are a Mirror Sage, even now._ Kurenai smiled brightly and poured the eggs into a hot pan stirring them quickly with her chopsticks, “Kaida, I told you that you were always welcome, why do you think I gave you a key? Believe me, I knew the second you were here. Now go…wash up and breakfast will be done by that time. Then…you can tell me why you were crying all night.” Kaida teared up and hugged a throw pillow tightly to her chest, “I’m so sorry I kept you awake.” Kurenai laughed as she sprinkled fresh herbs into the egg mixture, “Oh Kai, you didn’t. This baby is. I’m lucky if I get a few hours of rest a night at this point. Go on.” 

Kaida lifted herself stiffly from the couch and made her way, like a drunken person, clinging to the walls and stumbling, down the hall to the bathroom. She found a change of clothes and a new toothbrush laying out for her and had to hold back a new wave of tears as she bent to clutch the sides of the sink. She felt like she was using her friend. _Take. Take. TAKE!_ She caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror and shuddered. Her skin looked dull and pale, her face was splotchy, her eyes were swollen to the point were her eyelashes were almost non-visible, and her long hair was thoroughly tangled. She looked an overall mess but it paled in comparison to the mess she had created. _Oh no, what have I done?_ She spent the next few minutes trying to get her visage back into something more socially acceptable while trying to tamp down the feelings of remorse blazing hotly through the pit of her stomach. 

When she finally dared to exit the tidy bathroom, now wearing simple gray leggings and a red t-shirt, to meet Kurenai face to face, she was welcomed with a bright smile. Flashes of Kakashi’s face entered her mind from the night before. The one when he first saw her, beaming happily beneath his mask, like she was the best thing he had seen all day, next, the passion he had in his expression for her as they kissed, and then, the sheer hurt and confusion that marred his brow as she spat fire at him that he didn’t deserve. Looking back, all the while, his love had been displayed through his covered features and with his words even as she was downright cruel to him. Kaida sat dejectedly at the kitchen island groaning pitifully and hid her face in her hands. She lifted her head when she heard a ceramic plate being pushed under her arms and her gaze met Kurenai’s questioning one, “That bad, huh? What’s going on, Kai?” Kaida took the chopsticks offered to her with a quiet, “Thank you.” and lifted a bit of rice with trembling fingers to her equally quivering bottom lip but was unable to take the bite. 

She dropped the food back onto the plate and covered her face once more, “Oh, Kurenai! I said terrible, unforgivable things! I had no reason or right to…oh…what is _wrong_ with me?! I’ve ruined everything!” Hot tears dripped onto her plate and she gasped, “Oh no! I’m crying into the food you made me! I’m sucha fu…mess up! I’m sorry!” Kaida took the napkin next to her plate to dab at the eggs and rice trying to wick away the tears she had spilled and it sent the chopsticks rolling off the plate and onto the floor, which only made her cry harder. Kurenai walked around the counter and placed an arm around her shoulders as she frantically tried to ‘clean’ her food, “I do wish you’d stop saying things like that. You are so self-deprecating and it hurts my heart that you think of yourself in such ways. You’re not a fuck up. Far from it. Kaida, please tell me what’s wrong. Something has you completely twisted up inside and I want to help.”

Kaida gasped at the woman’s language, never really hearing her speak foully before, and then her heart tightened painfully. Again, she was being told to stop saying certain things and she realized it was always the negative stuff. No one she knew wanted her to talk about herself that way and all she did was bite back at them when they told her so. Even finally realizing that she knew she was right about it this time. She was a horrible person for what she had said to him and she deserved this pain. Her lip quivered and she grasped Kurenai tightly as her breathing became erratic, “I am though! I am still destroying everything good…before it can be taken… taken away from me! I am the one…that _makes_ it go away. Why?! I'm my own worst enemy! Oh, I missed him…so much…I love him with everything I have…but then I yelled at him for no reason…I lashed out and for no reason! I told him…I didn’t want to stay with him! I said I shouldn’t…should'nt have chosen to…to…love him! I said un…forg…ivable things...and I…just kept spou...spouting hateful wor...words until I…I walked away! From _him_! I _walked_ _away_! He…he…didn’t want me to go even then! Ahh! I destroy...ed it all again! The best thing…Oh, Kami, why did I…say those things?! He was only…I was…awful. I di...didn’t mean it! I’m horrible…Why?! I…was…I was…tired…scared…ah! I didn’t open up and oh, what have I done…I… _why_?!…I…I…love…him…oh…I…I…I…ahhhh!!” 

Kurenai grasped her tightly as she stroked her head, “Breath, Kai. In, out. _Slowly_ , in, out. In, out. That’s it. You’re okay. I’ve got you. In, out.” Kaida’s panic eased slightly with Kurenai’s words and comforting touch after a time. Her hyperventilating slowed into long, low, mournful sobs against her friend’s chest. Kurenai just held her as Kaida spent what seemed like an eternity weeping. When Kaida lifted her head to meet Kurenai’s warm, and slightly worried eyes, she felt like crying all over again, “Kurenai, I’m sorry…” The woman smiled warmly and swiped her hand across Kaida’s face in a soothing manner, “Please, stop apologizing. Come on, you look like you’re about to keel over. I can tell you aren’t ready to really talk about this and you’ve barely slept. Let’s go to my room. We can figure this out later, but I promise you, you haven’t destroyed a thing. Love is stronger than that and after some rest, you may figure that out.” Kaida let Kurenai help her from the barstool and down the hall into the bedroom as she sniffled and wiped at her nose with a tissue she had been handed. Kurenai eased Kaida onto the edge of the bed and motioned for her to lie down then she was gone, leaving her alone to her thoughts. _Am I still so fragile, scared of the future, terrified of losing love, that I fall so easily back onto my sheltered, bitchy, ways? Why, Kaida?! You stupid...stupid...crazy girl. Oh..._

Kaida’s hot silent tears were now running down her temples onto Kurenai’s pretty red and white poppy printed pillowcases and it made her even angrier at herself. Though she was mostly angry that she had hurt the one who she loved most in the world by lashing her inner insecurities out onto him. Him, the one she knew beyond a doubt, loved her. He had said it again and again even as she walked away from him. He didn’t leave her with an insult as she knew she deserved but a declaration of his love. Now she was here, forcing her only real friend, besides Kakashi, to deal with the mess that she currently was. A mess she was solely responsible for creating. She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a low wail in desperation to not feel like she did in this moment. The guilt was all too much. Suddenly a cool wet cloth was being pressed to her forehead and gentle fingers were wiping away her tears, “Kai. Just rest. Don’t think too much right now okay? You’re exhausted and you need to sleep. Let your mind unwind and know that you aren’t alone. Sleep easy, my friend. It will all be okay.” Kaida breathed deeply as small sobs still escaped her mouth, but with the gentle fingers and cool cloth against her head, she felt herself easing into sleep, “Thank you, Nai.” The last thing she heard was Kurenai shushing her before the world thankfully went black.

~~~

Kakashi had tossed and turned all night. Sleep alluded him until his body physically couldn’t handle being awake any longer. He somehow managed a short couple of hours of rest before the sun rose and he frowned when the bright rays crossed his face uncomfortably. He cracked his eye and groaned at the painful brightness hitting his retina. When he was able to think, he realized why he was awake and suddenly blind. _The curtains are open…did Kai do that?_ He always kept them shut so the room would be as dark as possible and he could sleep easily into the bright morning. Maybe Kaida enjoyed rising with the sun, maybe that’s why she was always gone before he woke even though he hated waking without her. She was a morning person. He never even registered that possibility. He rubbed a hand across his scratchy chin then began to fiddle with the dragon pendant resting against his neck Kaida had gifted him and glanced over to the empty space next to him. He reached out to the side of the cold mattress and pressed his palm into the cold sheets. Though he did this often, he knew he wouldn't find her there. What was worse, he knew even once he crawled from bed, he wouldn't find her on the couch reading, on the patio drinking tea while watching the kids play before work, or soaking in the tub listening to music on the little shower radio as she shaved her legs and conditioned her hair. No, Kaida had left him. She didn’t want to be here, with him, anymore. _Why, Kaida?_

Kakashi pulled his pillow over his head and yelled into it trying to ease the horrible ache that resided in the place where his heart had been. Kaida had taken it with her when she had walked away from him. He screamed again and the action only made him feel better for all of two seconds but now he couldn’t breathe and his throat hurt. Then he felt the onset sting of tears and his stomach clenched as his brain came to another realization as he stared at the wardrobe across from the bed. _You dumbass! You didn’t let her make this a place of her own after all did you?!_ He had initially given her the bottom drawer of the oversized wardrobe and he had thought she would arrange things how she’d like throughout the cabinet, but she hadn’t. Her clothes stayed in the drawer he had given her. _Was that why she was always ironing her clothing?_ He never even thought to rearrange the insides himself to make sure her clothes didn’t wrinkle after he did their laundry, he wanted her to do as she pleased.

He lifted himself to the edge of the bed and his head felt foggy, like he had drank too much the night before. He then looked to the kitchen as he lifted himself slowly and padded over to the fridge for a bottle of water. He opened the door and though there were very few of his items left from before his mission, they were all still in their spots, on the easy to reach upper shelves, while the items she liked to have stocked were all shoved to the back corner of the lowest shelf. He guessed she hadn’t moved her things higher up because, out of habit, he always put his groceries in the same place when he shopped. Again, never asking if she preferred a different place for her own things or simply incorporating her items in with his. He shut the door, forgetting the water and turned.

He then marched, like he had a mission, to the bathroom and took a good look around. Her toothbrush was next to his in the cup on the counter but the hand soap she favored, perfume, hair products, they were all stowed away in a basket under the sink while he had kept the medicine cabinet and easy access drawers for himself. The same was to be said for the shower. His items were in their original places and Kaida’s soap and shampoo were shoved into the only empty corner available. He remembered moving her things when they mingled with his while he showered just so he could get to them more easily. He had every intention of moving them back after he was done but had forgotten to do so every time. He walked dejectedly into the living room and his stomach dropped. The only true belongings of Kaida’s in this space were a spare pair of sandals underneath the bench in the genkan, an umbrella, and shopping tote hung from a hook behind the door. The only things really of her’s were all near the exit. Had she intended that or had he made her feel like she couldn't have anything else here?

Kakashi began to desperately cover every inch of the place trying to find signs of her there. On the couch was a blanket she liked but it ultimately belonged to him. He found a canvas painting hiding under the couch he’d forgotten about. He loved this painting. It portrayed an abstract man and a woman wrapped in a lover’s embrace inside a whirlwind of leaves in various colors depicting the different seasons, the passage of time. ‘Timeless Love’ he recalled was the name of the painting. After she had bought the art, while they were out on a date, she had asked Kakashi to hang it somewhere _he’d_ like. She didn’t care where it went, as long as she could look at it. He had told her it should have a frame and he would take care of it, but to keep it under the couch to keep it safe. Not having changed his artwork since he had first rented the place as a teenager, he had utterly forgotten about it, never had the frame made or even hung the canvas just so she could enjoy it until the frame was ordered. _Baka!_ _Baka! Damnit!_

He moved back to the kitchen and found the small stained glass vase she had gotten from Ino pushed far into the cupboard behind his favorite drinking glasses. It was the one she loved putting onto the kitchen windowsill with fresh flowers picked from the little garden outside. He had loved seeing the flowers there as the vase cast colorful shadows along the counter in the sun and had wondered why it had vanished weeks before but hadn’t thought to ask. Had him accidentally moving the vase away to the back of the cabinet after washing it make her think he didn’t like the vase or flowers there? He held the vase in his hands as he walked to one of the many bookshelves he owned and found her few books stashed in a drawer instead of on the shelf. His books had fully engulfed the shelves and the drawer was the only place left to store any more. He now understood that he hadn’t offered to remove his least liked or seldom read ones to make room for her’s much like in the wardrobe and bathroom.

Yes, he said ‘make my home yours' but she couldn’t know his particulars and he hadn’t offered the information. She wasn’t one to move his things around, though he would not have minded has she done so, but she couldn’t have known that and he hadn't grasped that she may have needed him to say so. She really wasn't a mind reader after all. So he now knew that was why all of her belongings were pushed away into far corners, back shelves, and hidden in drawers. It was his own fault. Kakashi went back to the bedroom and he stared at her laundry thrown into a corner next to his basket and sighed. He had often done laundry for them both as it had always been in the basket together and thought it would make her happy coming home to clean, folded clothing. He saw now that her clothes were sorted even in the messy heaps against the wall. He always wore black or other dark colors and so never thought that her clothes would need more delicate care. _I have truly messed up._

He slung himself back onto his bed and pulled the pillow Kaida usually slept on into his chest inhaling the lingering faint scent of her green tea and melon shampoo. He felt thoroughly depleted. By trying to show her his love, that he was her partner, and that his home was her’s, unintentionally, he had made it seem as though he was being two-faced. That he may have enjoyed her company just as long as she didn’t mess with his belongings. He squeezed her pillow... _It’s not hers either. I’ll have to do better. My words are not enough. I don’t know how to do this! Kai, I’m sorry. I’ll do better, I promise._ He tried to plan a course of action in his head and then was finding that his brain was shutting down. He needed more sleep. _Kai…I love you, I’m sorry. This really can be your home. I want it to be. It will be._

_~~~_

Kaida woke from a terror of a dream with her heart pounding rapidly and skin coated in a sheen of sweat, "Kakashi!" In the nightmare, Kakashi had fallen from the edge of a jutting cliff and it was her fault. The thin pointed rock had trembled precariously beneath his feet as she stomped and screamed at him. Her tantrum had finally caused the edge of stone he stood on to break away while he offered his bloodied, still beating, heart to her in his shaking hand while he tried to tell her that he loved her as he fell. She gripped the comforter tightly in her fists trying to gain her senses through the uneasy feeling of fear that was settled in her abdomen. Her instincts told her she felt a true tremor in the real world while she slept. _Wait, was_ _there_ _an earthquake or was I just dreaming?_ Kaida took in a deep breath to calm the lingering nightmare feelings coursing through her. _It had to be the dream._ When the door flung open and a frantic looking Kurenai stood in the doorway clutching a large bag and her belly, Kaida’s stomach plummeted and it took no time at all to find herself jumping from the bed, thoughts of the nightmare suddenly gone, “Oh, Kurenai! It’s time! I’ll get you to the hospital!” Kaida didn’t understand and stood frozen when the woman was thrusting her shoes at her and yelling for her to forget about the baby and the hospital, “Kaida! I’m not in labor! We have to get to the shelter under the Hokage stone!” Kaida slipped her sandals on nodded dumbly and frowned at the woman as a deep rumble could be felt underfoot, “Kurenai?! What in the hell?! That doesn’t sound like an earthquake!” Kurenai tugged her from the bedroom, down the hall, past the living room, and to the front door in record time, “It’s not. The village is under attack.” 

Kaida gasped and found she couldn't move. A cold chill crept down her spine and sweat instantly broke out onto her forehead. _No! Please no!_ Kurenai’s strong hand gripped her wrist and yanked her from the front door with a strength that surprised her and it got her feet moving again. The halls were in utter chaos as people scrambled to make it to the stairs to vacate the building. Kurenai supported her large belly with one hand as she pulled Kaida along behind her and began shouting commands to her frantic neighbors, “Everyone! Stay calm and make your way to the shelter! Hey! Stop shoving and help that woman with the walker! Stop pushing damn it!” Kaida, still clearing her mind from sleep, tried to mentally and physically wade through the chaos all around her. She looked back and forth, wide-eyed and disbelieving at the scene as she was dragged along the corridor to a stairwell located at the very back of the building. She gripped the railing tightly as she fumbled down the stairs. Shouts of panic and terror echoed up and down the stairs as Kurenai’s grip became even stronger while they were jostled and pushed against by the terrified tenants in their escape. 

As they descended the stairs Kaida saw a small boy huddled in the corner, one flight below them, gripping a teddy bear to his chest as he cried. No one was stopping to help and Kaida became enraged and it instantly cleared her mind. The stairs shook slightly from another explosion nearby, she frowned as she clung to the rail then pulled her arm away from Kurenai’s grasp, “There’s a child! Go on ahead! I’ll be right behind you! Be careful!” Kurenai nodded and continued downward, “You as well!” Kaida shoved her way through the throngs of people and bent down to scoop the tiny child into her arms, “Shh…it’s okay. I’ve got you little one.” The boy clung to her and his bear tightly as she tried to find Kurenai in the river of people but failed. Another explosion was heard and Kaida lost her footing in surprise but was luckily spared falling as she slammed into someone in front of her and she apologized to the frightened boy. As she made it to the lowest level, the line of people bottle-necked trying to get out of the door. Shouts and yells became louder as people began to shove and press forward in their desperation to flee and Kaida found it harder to take a breath, "Stop, stop pushing! Please! I have...a.. _child_ here! You'll suffocate him! Please!" Kaida was finally able to squeeze her way through the door and out into the hazy sunlight no thanks to her begging.

The haze she instantly realized was created by the copious amounts of smoke in the air. She tucked the small boy’s head deeper into her shoulder to shield him from the smoke even as he protested and looked all around trying to find someone that seemed to be looking for their son while she tried to catch her breath. Just as she had taken a step forward, she heard a named being called out and the little boy lifted his head and yelled with all his might, “Mommy!” Kaida turned to find a teary-eyed woman reaching urgently for the boy in her arms. Kaida handed him over and smiled as the woman kissed the boy’s head and cried out, “Oh, thank you! He got pulled away from me in the crowd and I couldn’t get back in! Thank you! Thank you!” Kaida nodded and gave the woman a gentle push towards the shelter, “Go! You need to get to safety!” The woman with the little boy tucked tightly in her arms, turned and began jogging away towards the Hokage stone as she cried. 

Kaida looked back to where most of the smoke was billowing upwards in long thick chains and grasped at her chest. Kakashi’s apartment, _no_ , their home, was in the direction where the village seemed to take its first hits and her stomach knotted. She then tore her eyes away to look to her right towards the heart of the village to where the Hokage’s headquarters were and was glad to see no signs of destruction…yet. _Please be there instead._ Her body was jarred as people began to run past her and she was almost knocked off her feet by a frantic man trying to get ahead of those in front of him. She swung around and began to jog with the rest of the people seeking shelter as she sent up prayers to whoever would listen that Kakashi was alright. _Please, please keep him safe._ _I can't lose him._

Kaida scanned the crowd making sure no one else had been left behind as more explosions were heard in the distance. Their strength was felt underfoot and small rocks and debris would occasionally rain down on them all as they ran. Her heart thudded rapidly in her chest and her brow became covered in sweat. The explosions seemed to be drawing nearer. More and more people were funneling in from the outskirts of the village, all headed to the stone caves ahead and it only increased the level of chaos and distress of the panic-stricken villagers as everyone was forced to slow down. Shinobi were scattered on rooftops ushering them all forward and shouting commands to be calm and orderly, though little good it did. 

Kaida saw a shinobi perched much lower than the rest and maneuvered her way over to him to stop beneath the awning where he stood. She was bumped into and shoved all the while, “Hey! Any word on Kakashi Hatake or Lady Tsunade?!” The man looked down at her and pointed, “What’s your name?” She frowned and stumbled as someone pushed her so they could pass, “It’s Kaida! I’m Lady Tsunade’s assistant! Please! Have you heard anything?” He jumped from the roof to land gracefully before her, “Kaida Hikari?” She nodded, “Yes, please, have you heard…” He gave a quick nod then was lifting her into his arms and leaping back up and across the rooftops towards the caves, “Hey! What are you…put me down!” The shinobi shook his head, “Can’t do that ma'am. I have strict orders to get you to the shelter if I found you.” As he passed a comrade of his, he glanced up, “Hikari is safe! Report back!” Kaida looked over the man’s shoulder as the second ninja nodded and then bounded away in the direction of the attacks. 

She looked up back to the one carrying her, “Report back? To who? What’s going on? Why am I getting special privileges?!” The ninja stayed silent as he continued forward and Kaida fumed, “Answer me now or put me down! There are people that need your help much more than I do!” The large man glanced down at her and sighed, “I know but right now, I have to get you to the caves. You are important.” Kaida whacked him in the shoulder and his eyebrows rose at her angry yellow-tinged glare she gave him and she was glad, “ _Important_?! Tell me who gave you these orders. _Now_.” The man grunted and sighed, “My captain. Kakashi Hatake. He gave us the order to find you.” Kaida felt her eyes sting and her shoulders slumped, “He’s alright thank goodness…but _why_? Why me?” The man nodded, “He is, at least last I heard. You are important to him and he can be pretty damn convincing in his commands.” 

Kaida allowed herself a brief smile and then the guilt wracked her body once more. Here she was, being safely escorted to shelter on Kakashi's command, not the Hokage’s, while, Kurenai, the children, elderly, and all of the kind villagers here were scared and fleeing for their lives. What made her so all-important? Sure she and Kakashi loved each other, but she wasn't deserving of this not after the way she had treated him. She left him unsure of her love after all. She was a broken Mirror Sage. She was an outsider, and yet she was lucky enough to find a place to finally call home in the Leaf, find love, but she fought it all at every turn. Now she may never get to apologize and let them all know, let _him_ know, just how grateful she truly was because she had, yet again, acted childishly. _No._ She was thinking all wrong again. It was because of his love, because he cared. He wanted her to have a home, with him. The villagers all had opened their arms to her even after finding out what she was. It was her own fault she felt this way. Her own fault she shied away. _No! No!_ “Put me down. Right now. You know what I am?” The man nodded, “You were a Mirror Sage, but you were pardoned, right?” Kaida nodded once, “Yes, but I am still a Mirror Sage. So I’m warning you, if you don’t put me down right now, you will regret it and I don’t want to have to weaken you when you’re so needed. The…our village needs you. Please don’t make me have to resort to using my powers…I… _really_ don’t want to. Not in that way and not against a comrade.” The ninja grumbled but acquiesced. He jumped from the roof he was currently on and found a patch of road that was not being used under the shelter of the home they had just dismounted from, “Will you not let me complete my mission?”

Kaida looked over her left shoulder and pointed, “The stairs to the caves are within a hundred feet and that other shinobi is reporting that I am safe. Your mission, in my eyes, has been accomplished. Now, let me help these people. There are going to be ones so tired and injured once they arrive, that I will need to help them. Please, go back. Look out for those who are struggling to make it here. Help _them_.” The shinobi before her bowed, “Miss Hikari, I had heard of your kindness and Will of Fire, I am glad to have actually witnessed it. I will do as you ask.” Kaida placed a hand on his shoulder, “Your Will is stronger than mine, I’m sure. Please go and be careful…what’s your name?” The man stood tall gave her a small smile before bowing slightly, “Kaen.” Kaida smiled back and gave her own bow, “Flame, huh…well, that’s fitting. Please, Kaen, go. Help as many as you can and if you should happen to run into Kakashi please tell him, we have a deal and I won’t go back on it.” Kaen nodded as another explosion tore through the village, “I will, if I run into him. Please, take care of yourself.” Kaida squeezed his shoulder as she turned away and ran into the crowd towards the caves.

She found a spot near the edge of the line of people filing up the stairs towards the cave entrance and began asking those that looked injured or weary if they needed assistance. Luckily no one had truly needed her as she wasn’t quite certain how she would approach the topic that, to heal them, she would have to press her mouth against theirs. Kaida’s heart jumped and she exhaled in relief as she heard Kurenai call out, “Kai! Kai! How the hell did you get here so quickly? I know I’m pregnant but there’s no possible way with this crowd!” Kaida hugged the woman tightly, “I’ll tell you later, just head on up. You’re okay right?” Kurenai breathed a little heavily and readjusted her bag as she rubbed her belly, “Yeah, yeah. Though, on second thought, I am not so sure about these stairs…Kami I am out of shape.” Kaida rolled her eyes, You’re pregnant, not fat.” She looked up to the faraway rooftops and began waving her arms at one of the shinobi stationed there, “Hey! You! Over here!” He couldn’t hear her with the frantic crowd below him and she began to try to walk away when Kurenai grabbed her arm, “Kaida…please. Don’t worry. Let me sit here for a moment. I’ll be fine to make it up with you in a minute.” 

Kaida bit her lip and frantically looked around, the explosions were coming ever closer and she needed Kurenai to get into the shelter. Luckily, after a few more minutes, the crowd of people began to thin out and most were well on their way to safety so Kaida tried again, “You there! Up on the roof!” The shinobi she was trying to draw the attention of finally heard her and he made his way closer to the edge which he was perched on, “Yo! Is there a problem?” Kaida took a deep breath to yell back, “What rank are you?” She watched as he crossed his arms as to be offended, “Chunin!” Kaida waved her hand up and down in summoning, “Good! Get over here! A Jonin needs your help!” The shinobi leaped from the roof down onto the road and made his way over, “I’m sorry, but if you’re a Jonin, I don’t know you.” Kaida clicked her tongue and pointed at Kurenai, “Not me…her. You do know _her_ …don’t you?” Kurenai sighed next to her and mumbled, “Really, Kai.” The young man stiffened and gave a small bow, “Mrs. Sarutobi!” Kaida nodded curtly, “Good, you _do_ know her. Would you mind helping her up the stairs and into the caves?” 

Kaida watched the shinobi take her bag and then Kurenai’s arm to escort her as another blast shook the ground on which they stood. The man scooped up his charge to tuck her safely in his arms as Kurenai glanced worriedly over his shoulder, “Wait! Kaida! Come on! What are you doing?!” Kaida looked up at the woman who had become her closest friend and gave her a sad smile, “I’m sorry but I have to go find him, Nai. I can’t leave things the way we did…I did. I promise you I’ll be back! I promised to help you with your little one! That’s still a deal alright? Please, go!” Kaida’s gut clenched as she saw tears in the woman’s eyes even as she got further away while the man took the stairs two at a time but her voice rang out loud and clear, “Kaida Hikari, I swear if you get yourself killed I will never forgive you!” Kaida wiped at her own tears and yelled out, “I love you, Nai! You’re my best friend!”

She turned and began to run with every ounce of energy she had sticking close to the underside of roofs and against walls to shield herself from falling debris. The villagers that were still making their way to the shelter looked at her worriedly as she ran towards the danger but she couldn’t waste a breath to explain. Every pant, every bit of oxygen she inhaled, that wasn’t tainted was smoke, was needed to make sure she got to him. _Kakashi, please, be alright. Oh, please forgive me. I love you._ Her feet pounded against the dirt as thick fumes swirled around her like a blanket made from terror. Her eyes began to water and her lungs ached from the acrid smoke but she pressed on. Her feet hammered against the dirt to get closer to the South section of the village of where they lived. She thought she knew where she was but as she continued on, the destroyed buildings, viewed through thick smoke, offered little clues in the amount of damage they had sustained, “Kakashi! Kakashi! Where are you?!” _I should be close, I think._ _Please don’t get lost!_

Kaida almost tripped when she heard her name being called out and skidded to a halt, “Kaida? Oh my, Kaida...” She shook the dirt and rocks from her shoe and hoped she wouldn’t turn to see another person she had come to care dearly about. She had hoped wrong, “Mrs. Howakana?! What are you…why aren’t you at the shelter yet?!” The elderly woman, who was Kakashi's neighbor, a fiery spirit, good-hearted woman, who had taken so kindly to their pairing, drooped sadly, “Seems I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was trying to find Yoru…but I was too late and he’s…gone from this world.” Kaida gripped the woman gently by the shoulders as she stumbled and pulled her tightly to her chest in a hug, “Mrs. Howakana, I’m so sorry…he was such a nice cat. He loved you a lot.” Mrs. Howakana shuddered and cried, “My dear, what is happening in this world? It feels like it was when I was a girl and my own village was…ravaged by stupidity and greed in a useless war. I’m old, yes, but I thought I was freed from all of that but yet I live it again.” Kaida's heart broke in two as she held the woman tightly brushing her hand over her head and gasped as it came away covered in blood, “Mrs. Howakana! Kami, You’re bleeding!” 

The older woman groaned then slumped against Kaida’s chest and her heart launched to her throat while she helped her lie down onto the dirt, “I’m going to help you now, heal you, but you may find it a shock. My hands don’t work like they should, so I have, I have to use my mouth.” Mrs. Howakana reached up to pat the girl on the cheek, “Don’t waste your time…on me, dear. You were…in a rush…when I saw you. Why weren’t you with…Kakashi when he…left? Never mind…I think you were on your way to him. But towards…such _danger_ …I’m so glad you have him…He loves you so…” Kaida's eyes began to water and her cheeks flushed as the woman’s words became soft and then trailed off completely, “No! Please! No!” Kaida bent over Mrs. Howakana as a nearby explosion made her ears ring and bits of rock and wood hit her back as she crouched over the now unconscious, usually exuberant, playful, and mischievous woman, “No! I’m not going to let you die!” She pressed her lips to the older woman’s soft, paper-thin, chilled ones, and poured her healing powers into her. _Please, I can’t lose you!_

After a few minutes Mrs. Howakana opened her eyes and blinked rapidly as she woke from near death, “Oh, Kai…why’d you waste your precious gift on me? Your time? You need to go to him.” Kaida's shoulders slumped as tears fell down her cheeks like thick waterfalls. She lifted herself up into a sitting position and wiped her mouth, “Well, you’re just as precious to me…and Kakashi. You’re like family.” Footfalls were heard running towards them and three ninjas were now hovering above where they sat in the road, “Miss, Ma’am, are you alright?” Kaida stood up a bit shaky from the effort she had to put out to heal the older woman but nodded, “I’m fine. I am Kaida Hikari, Lady Tsunade’s assistant. I ask that you help her to the shelter immediately and protect her with your life. She’s important.” Two of the men helped the woman up and one gently lifted her into his arms which had the older woman giggling. Kaida smiled as she squeezed the woman’s hand, glad to see a bit of her usual self in the smile, “Mrs. Howakana, thank you for everything. I will see you again but now I need to go find Kakashi.” Kaida's eyes stung as she looked into the older woman’s glistening brown ones, “I’ll be fine, Mrs. Howakana. Don’t worry! As soon as this is done, I’ll be over to learn how to make that apricot bread he likes so much.” Mrs. Howakana smiled and lifted a wrinkled hand to wave Kaida goodbye as she was carted off to safety, “I’m holding you to that, my dear, as you often say, that’s a deal.” 

Kaida wiped at her eyes, turned heavily on her heel and began to run once more and was surprised when she realized she was being flanked by the two other shinobi that had met them and even more so when one of them turned out to be someone she knew, “Choji?! What are you doing?!” He charged alongside her panting and gave her a large grin which made his cherub cheeks even rounder, “Could ask you the same thing…but…Kakashi Sensei…is in that direction…so I…get it…but this is…kinda…stupid.” Kaida wiped her brow and kept running, “You should go...look over…the others.” Choji laughed shortly, “No way. You’re…important too, Kaida!” 

Kaida’s gut clenched and the fire inside welled to an inferno, “No! I am not! Please...go! It’s because…I’m not important…that I have to do this, no matter what. _He’s_ the important one. I have…to let..him know that...I…” Choji seemed confused and he ran faster to catch up to her, “Kaida…you know…he knows that you love him. What…do you think…will happen to him…if you end up dead?” Kaida's tears streamed down her chin and were whisked away by the wind as she ran, “He doesn’t know I love him…Choji…I messed up…I really messed up.” The second shinobi was suddenly throwing his weight into her as an explosion went off near them causing large debris to rain down and pummel their backs. The man lifted his head and asked, “You alright?” Kaida nodded as she shook, but then stood back on her feet. She felt Choji’s hand on her shoulder, “I don’t know what happened…but we’ll get you to him.” She watched Choji give the other shinobi a silent command with his eyes, as if to solidify his promise, and he nodded. Kaida brushed dust and bits of rock from her shoulder and clothes as she took deep lung-fulls of air, “Thank you…both. I know I am being reckless…I’m sorry, but I can’t leave things the way…they are.” 

The three of them began running again, dodging the now heavy debris and shrapnel as more and more of the once beautiful and calm village became ruins around them. Kaida's lungs and legs burned but so did her Will, her determination, her fire, as it always had. She was named as a little dragon after all. That fire, the one that also burned so warmly and full of love for Kakashi, kept her going even while in pain. Her legs wanted to give out, her feet hurt and were bleeding from the rocks and glass they were wading through as she ran. She again felt hands push her and force her into Choji’s side. Said shinobi grabbed her and spun as she landed on hands and knees then his solid body was covering her as his form swelled and increased in size behind her.She peeked from under his wrist and the shinobi to her left, the one she had never gotten the name of, was thrown back in a blast of rock and wood to land broken and bloody onto the road. She had to shut her eyes, whether from the blast or the sight of the man being torn apart and beyond her help, she didn’t know. _No! Oh, Kami, I caused this…I’m so sorry! I’m still such a burden to everyone!_

Kaida slipped herself from under Choji’s protective embrace and began to run faster than she ever had in her life. She would not let him die to protect her. Choji's yells and loud footfalls could be heard but she didn’t register what he was saying. She just had to keep going. She knew Kakashi would be in the heart of the battle, that's just who he was. He had said she was the one who gave everything, but so did he. She stumbled as parts of the road, now cracked and broken, jutted up like angry spikes, impeding her every step. Her knees were scraped even through her pants and she was sure she had ripped a toenail or two on her feet. Her hands felt bruised and were bloody as she clawed at large jagged rocks and shards of glass to scurry over it all in her haste to get to him. She was not going to let him face this without knowing she loved him and how sorry she was. She continued to climb, fall, crawl and stumble over the broken road until she came to a point where she could go no further. Her breath left her lungs and she gripped at the edge of the stone she was clinging to so desperately trying to hold herself up so she could see. See _him_. She had made it. _Kakashi!_

Kaida bit her lip and ducked down behind the slab of stone she clung to. Beyond that Kakashi stood ready to fight. He looked weary and at his limit and her heart hurt with the need to get to him but her path was blocked. Only a few yards away from the safety of the rock she so desperately cleaved to, stood a menacing man, one that sent shivers down her spine as she peaked at his red and black cloaked back. _Akatsuki! It’s Pain! No!_ This man was fear personified. _Her_ fears personified. She had learned all about him in the last few weeks and she was terrified. He was just as everyone said, tall, commanding, threatening, and he had managed to pin down one of the Leaf’s best without a bead of sweat across his brow. _Her_ best. _Her_ love, _her_ one and only. 

She slammed a hand over her mouth to muffle her harsh breathing and clamped her eyes shut as her arm burned while keeping her in place on the angled rock. Kakashi was trapped, he had nowhere to run in the rubble surrounding him. She peeked over the edge of the stone as Kakashi flipped a kunai in his fingers, ready to make his move. _No, Kakashi…he’s too strong!_ _What can I do? I am not a kunoichi! I need to help him! How?! How?! How?!_ Kaida began to panic as she cowered behind the rock she clung to and all she wanted to do was run to him. Though she knew if she went out there she would get them both killed instantly. _What do I do?!_

She knew now, as cleverness and bravery failed her, that the one she loved, the true brave one, was out there defending his home, her, and everything he stood for, all alone. She was finally here with him and she was damn sure going to let him know she was, that he wasn’t truly alone. Even if it meant the end of both of their lives, but what was living if it was inside of a lie? He needed to know she lied, that she was wrong. That he was her happily ever after. That had been her mission after all. The moment her toes stepped away from him the night before, all she wanted to do was come back to him. Kaida slapped a hand back to her mouth as she gasped when she saw Choji and his father coming to stand next to Kakashi.How he had managed to bring reinforcements when he had been helping her was a mystery to her. Though maybe him going to help Kakashi had been his mission all along and he just so happened to cross her path and help her get to him too. _Choji…thank you._

Kaida hunkered further into the rock as the four men began an all-out battle. Kaida’s heart was in her mouth and her stomach was sent to the bottom of her feet causing her legs to shake violently as she clawed at the semi-vertical stone. She began to try and lift herself onto more even ground, now that the evil man had jumped down from the perch he had been so proud to stand upon. She shook with the effort and scraped her knees further as she struggled to make her way over the slab. Kaida braced her elbows against the top of the rock and finally pulled herself up and over so that she could slide down the front of it and then make her way up onto the ledge behind where the man, no, demon, had previously stood. 

The battle raged on below her and then Kaida pressed her form as flat as she could as she watched horrified as it all unfolded before her eyes. Pain jumped up and perched elegantly onto a large bolder completely unscathed and it created a hot ball of rage in the pit of her stomach. He was balanced on a wooden plank and Kaida looked wide-eyed and heartbroken at Kakashi who was now bloody and buried beneath so much rubble of his own home that he couldn’t move. Choji sat on hands and knees crouched over his unmoving father wailing out his grief and Kaida ached for the young man. _No! Please don’t take this all away from me! From them!_ _Damn you!_ Kakashi suddenly gave the young man a command, and even though reluctant, he obeyed. Kaida sighed in relief as he ran away, maybe Choji’s life would be spared now. 

Pain stood on the wooden board, a piece of someone’s home he had desecrated, and her anger flared brighter than it ever had before. The rage crawled up to her throat and she wanted to scream. Kaida couldn’t hear what the demon was saying to Kakashi but when Kakashi’s eyes widened in fear, she knew this was it. For the both of them. Once she said anything, he, the monster would kill her too. She sat up on hands and knees, utterly exhausted while burning tears streamed down her dirt-caked cheeks but determined to finish her mission. She took a deep breath and yelled with every ounce of love she could muster, “Kakashi! I love you! I’m so sorry! We had a deal! I am keeping that deal! Please forgive me! You have my heart! You have always had my heart! I will keep yours forever! I’m sorry! I love you! I love you! I love you!” Kakashi’s head whipped its way over to her in once last bought of strength and she saw his eyes widen then soften and she heard what would be his last words pass through his lips, “Kai…I love…” She stiffened as the cloaked man chuckled and looked at her now with nothing more than a nail in his hand, “You too, shall know pain!” He sent it flying forward then Kakashi went limp before he could finish his sentence. 

Kaida could only hear her own screaming as she crumpled to the ground. Bits of homes, shops, comfort, and happiness lied destroyed beneath her. All of it, now formed as mere dirt and dust, muddied her face as she wept. She clawed at the dirt and sobbed for Kakashi, for her friends, shinobi, villagers and her _home._ She heard footsteps draw nearer but she felt no fear. _I’ll be with you soon, Kakashi._ Pain stood above her and in a soft voice that offered no comfort, said, “Good, you are beginning to know true pain. To love is pain. To trust is pain. To _live_ is pain. Though to lose, lose everything, that is true pain. You, just like the rest, shall now know it. 

Kaida looked up to the red-haired man and wiped her face, eyes glowing bright yellow, “Isn’t _any_ pain enough?! All pain has different meanings for different people and it can make you grow stronger! Love deeper! Live more gratefully, happily!” Pain glanced at her silently then began to rise into the air, “ That may be true, with what you feel now, but I want you to know _my_ pain. No love or happiness exists there.” She felt a horrible energy begin to build that made her body tremble and become heavy like lead and oh so cold. She looked over to Kakashi’s slumped and still body then up to the one who had taken all of her happiness away. This was her chance. _I have to get to him!_ She began crawling towards the edge of the crevice that had been created by the fight, or explosions, she didn’t know or care, and flung herself over the edge. She landed hard on her leg and even though she was sure it was broken, she didn’t feel the pain as she dragged herself across the dirt and stones towards him. _What is this power?_ _It's so heavy! Kakashi._ She felt a surge of fear, unlike she'd ever felt, run down her spine causing all of the hairs on her body to stand on end but she kept moving forward. 

When she finally had him in her arms, she gripped him tightly and yanked down his mask. Her lips pressed against his instantly and she poured her healing and love into him as she stroked his face. _Please! Please! Kakashi!_ Kaida gasped as she felt the world around her begin to literally collapse and it became harder to breathe. _What is this force?!_ She cradled Kakashi’s upper half in her arms and held him while the sky became painfully bright as the heavens descended on top of them in Pain’s wrath. It was so heavy and so sad and Kaida had hardly any breath left as its heaviness pressed down onto her and her heart shattered. Time was out, “Kakashi, _I…lov”_

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, thank you for reading. This is my first attempt at angst. I am not a fan of it, but with the way things are going in the real world, I've been having a hard time keeping things light and fluffy. Would you guys like one more story of these two, an epilogue of sorts? Please let me know. I love to write, but I don't often get feedback even though I can see you all reading, and even a tiny review or kudos can make a huge difference in continuing, especially now. Hope you all have enjoyed this story and I hope you give my other works a read too. ~Cmay


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